How to Build Self-Confidence
5 tips to help you boost your confidence
Ah, confidence. The all important magical elixir that will help each of us pave the way to the lives we truly desire. The secret sauce that will give us the courage to do scary things, like SPEAK UP ABOUT OUR FEELINGS or MAKE OUR ART, or SHOW UP AUTHENTICALLY in all situations in life (like on job interviews, during first dates, in all of our relationships, and in our daily work).
The question is, how do we get it? What’s the secret? How do we build ourselves up to feel like we’re good enough to deserve the things we want, and actually achieve them. Well, I’ll tell ya. We’ll start with five quick tips to help you build self-confidence, and we’ll finish with the most important ingredient to the recipe for authentic self-confidence.
Ready? Let’s go.
1. Develop a confidence boosting mantra.
When I was 24, I had a series of really important job interviews that I was ungodly nervous about. However, I was d e s p e r a t e l y eager to get the job, so in order to build confidence for the interview process, I took some simple advice from my favorite TV Heroine (at the time), Betty Suarez, and developed a confidence boosting mantra.
Here’s how it works. Start by thinking about the qualities you want to present during your own job interview, date (or whatever it is in your life that requires your confidence, currently). Then, put those qualities together to develop a simple mantra that you can repeat to yourself from memory. For example, if you want to come across as strong, confident and beautiful (like me and my girl Betty), your mantra might be: “I am strong, confident and beautiful.”
Once you’ve developed your mantra, repeat it to yourself several times at night before bed, whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, and in the final moments before your job interview, date, or what-have-you.
If you can, say them out loud so you can hear them in your own voice coming from your own mouth. Think about each word and what it means to you. Imagine what those words feel like and what it would look like to embody the meanings of those words. Let those feelings fill you up like a magical elixir each time you repeat the mantra to yourself. If it works for you (like it did for me) you’ll feel just confident enough to get through the job interview, date or other life event (whatever that may be).
2. Get Inspired by a character or role model
Speaking of my girl, Betty Suarez, watching her chase her dreams unapologetically on the show Ugly Betty, truly inspired me to go after the things I wanted in life. Seriously. Betty was a character that I connected with in so many ways, and her stories made me feel like, if she could do it, I could do it too. In more recent years, I discovered an influencer who talks about manifestation, and in her work, she calls these role models and characters, “expanders.” People who make us believe in ourselves more, because we see them doing the things we, ourselves want to do. This is really a magical way to boost your own confidence, so if you don’t have a role model or inspirational character to help you expand, then you need to find one.
3. Eat meals that make you feel good.
Okay, so this one isn’t that exciting, but it is important (and helpful), so bear with me. My own self-confidence building journey started with making changes to my lifestyle. This included improving my diet and incorporating regular exercise into my routine. I think feeling good is really important for building confidence. And in my case, after just a few months of lifestyle changes, I was feeling more confident than ever.
But if you’re in need of a quick confidence boost, start with your diet. The food we eat plays a huge role in how we feel mentally, physically and emotionally. And the effects of what we eat can manifest pretty immediately. Feeling confident requires feeling good, so, if you want to build confidence, start eating better. Choose foods that leave you feeling good after you eat. Especially in the days, weeks or hours leading up to your job interview, date, or any other moments in life when you need to rely on confidence.
4. Call out your nerves
When my husband and I went out on our first date, we decided to keep it simple and just grab a drink at a local bar. After the date was over, we both knew we really liked each other, so we decided to go out again. On our second date, my husband told me that he was too nervous to eat during our first date, which is why he suggested going for drinks. He called out his nervousness, and honestly, it made me like him even more.
Whether you’re a nervous girly like me or not, we all come up against moments that make us feel the familiar discomfort of anxious energy. In those cases, sometimes, calling it out can make a difference. Looping people in on your feelings can really help ease the tension. Plus, speaking up about how you feel shows honesty and authenticity. Sometimes showing up honestly and authentically is the bravest thing you can do, and practicing bravery is a great way to build confidence. Saying something as simple as, “wow, I’m really nervous, I guess that means I’m excited about this (date, or job interview, or whatever else),” is all it takes.
5. Practice self-acceptance.
Without a doubt, the biggest block I’ve experienced with self confidence is related to my own sense of self worth. Learning to love and accept myself as I am has been huge in my own confidence-building journey. If confidence is something you struggle with in general, practicing self-acceptance will help you feel better about yourself – no matter what anyone else thinks.
Self-acceptance means learning to be okay with who you are and how you show up. It means being open and honest. It means trusting that people are going to like you for who you are and what you truly have to offer. Accepting yourself makes it a lot easier for others to accept you too. And if they don’t accept you, then maybe THEY just weren’t a good fit for YOU (not the other way around).
I personally have explored, practiced and embodied each of these tips throughout different aspects of my life as I’ve worked on building self-confidence. I’ve found each of them to be helpful and effective. And I feel CONFIDENT that in a pinch, these tips will help you build up your confidence, too. Buuuuuuut, the real secret behind building lasting self-confidence, is something else entirely, and it’s something that took me a really long time to learn. Lucky for you, I’m going to share it in a few simple words below…
Let yourself be a little delusional.
No, seriously. Be delusional and believe in yourself no matter what. No matter how many bad dates you go on. No matter how many job interviews you bomb. No matter how many people choose to pass you up for anything, for any reason. Believe in your value and your worth, and trust that the right person, the right job, the right opportunity, and the right path in life are waiting for you. You just have to find them.
Trust in the timing of things as they unfold for you. Trust that the Universe loves you and is going to give you everything you want in life (because here’s a funny secret, the Universe is YOU). Trust that every ounce of effort you put in toward getting the things you want is bringing you that much closer to changing your life for the better. Be delusional. Delusion is the real secret to boundless confidence.
Personal Notes on Confidence
I’ve been working on my own sense of self-confidence for a long time now, but it still wavers — especially when it comes to going after the things that I want most, like making art and sharing it with the world (i.e. Pursuing an actual career as a novelist).
There’s a lot about this that makes me nervous. Like the fact that I’m owning it openly to others… because, like, what if I fail. People are going to know if I fail, and that totally sucks. Or what if I succeed and then people want to read what I write??
To be honest, nothing scares me more than the thought of other people reading one of my novels. People read my writing all the time, but like, my novels are my art. They’re much more personal. They give people a deeper look into who I am as a person and how I see the world.
That’s the thing about art. You have to be so unbelievably brave to put it out into the world. Because putting it out into the world means opening yourself up to the scrutiny of others.
When you publish and share your art, people are naturally going to critique it. That’s part of the process. That’s what art is for! So people can look at it, consume it, make judgements about it, and determine whether or not it speaks to them and in what ways. Art is meant to impact people — for better or for worse.
I think it takes a whole lot more than regular-old self-confidence to be an artist. It takes a strong sense of self acceptance and self love. If I can love and accept myself no matter what other people say or think about me and my art, then nothing can stop me from creating. And nothing can stop me from trying to make my dreams a reality.
That being said, I got a rejection letter from a literary agency I pitched in November. They’d reached out to me at the beginning of January to request a full manuscript (wow what a win!), and then finally got around to rejecting it in March. Which to me, is also a win. Because now I have real feedback from real professionals in the industry, and now I have actions steps that I can take to keep moving the needle forward. Wish me luck! And I’ll see you next week.